Showing posts from May, 2017

I don't sugar coat shit, I'm not Willy Wonka....

Today was a shit day, actually the last few were shit days.

It was low, the worst day I have had in awhile.  Which, kind of took me by surprise, because I feel like I have been doing so well; writing, self care, doing more of the shit that I love to do.

So, when I woke up, got the kids situated, looked at my bank account before I go treat myself to a coffee....  My bank account laughs at me, sticks up it's middle finger at me and says a big fuck you, you are not getting no fucking coffee today bitch.

Just like that.

I pick myself up, get the kids out the door, and go back the fuck to bed.  Yes, I did.

I took the kids out on Sunday for my daughter to get a dress for her first Junior High School Dance. I did spend a few more dollars then I should have but I thought I had put some dollars aside but bills and a few other things I needed.  Well, bring in misc. payment and a I fucked up, and that was it.

I'm usually pretty good with my money because if I'm not, it stresses me …

My Drug Dealer was a Doctor - *Warning - some content may not be suitable for all readers*

I think that I may have mentioned before that I have anxiety and ADHD.  My anxiety is manageable, and I was only recently diagnosed with ADHD this past October.  
When I was 15, I would go to my Doctor for an appointment and just break down.  I was sad all the fucking time, I was overwhelmed and I was having a hard time functioning with daily tasks.
Now, my Doctor knew my mom, knew the situation, and prescribed me my first anti-anxiety/depression medication; Effexor, the one she was on herself and was seeing great results. Those didn't work, because it is common sense that not everyone's biological chemistry is the same, and what works for some may not work for others...  Also, perhaps my depression was circumstantial, not biological?  
Did maybe taking these medications while I was still developing permanently alter the chemical composition in my brain?  Why are we telling children not to smoke weed, but here take these chemicals?  …

I am my own worst enemy

Can anyone relate to this?

I have spent the last week wondering what to write next after the success of my last post.

I know I have a part 2/3/4 to write about my mom, but I am not ready to delve into that just yet; as I need to organize my thoughts and timelines to give an accurate representation of my thoughts.  Not so emotionally fueled jargon that is hard to read and wouldn't make sense to anyone.

So, as I sat here most of the day thinking, with nothing to hyper focus on, I realized that I don't do well with self success.  I almost self-sabotage myself every single fucking time.

I am so comfortable with tragedy, financial hardship, toxic relationships, that when I achieve success I rarely don't know what to do about it or how to feel about it. Sometimes I even find myself looking for ways to avoid it or feeling like I don't deserve it.

I work hard because I have goals to achieve, but I am terrified to reach those goals and feel like now what?  I hate feeling stagn…