I am my own worst enemy

Can anyone relate to this?

I have spent the last week wondering what to write next after the success of my last post.

I know I have a part 2/3/4 to write about my mom, but I am not ready to delve into that just yet; as I need to organize my thoughts and timelines to give an accurate representation of my thoughts.  Not so emotionally fueled jargon that is hard to read and wouldn't make sense to anyone.

So, as I sat here most of the day thinking, with nothing to hyper focus on, I realized that I don't do well with self success.  I almost self-sabotage myself every single fucking time.

I am so comfortable with tragedy, financial hardship, toxic relationships, that when I achieve success I rarely don't know what to do about it or how to feel about it. Sometimes I even find myself looking for ways to avoid it or feeling like I don't deserve it.

I work hard because I have goals to achieve, but I am terrified to reach those goals and feel like now what?  I hate feeling stagnant and that is why whenever I have a moment to relax I will for something to do instead of just appreciating it.

On the other hand, when I have school work to do, I am, again, my own worst enemy.  I guess you could call it procrastination...  Though honestly, when I try to be proactive, I find myself looking for excuses to not do what I am supposed to be doing.  Sometimes I even become paralyzed.  I can't get past myself to be successful.

I think many of us, in some degree, have come across this.  How do/did you get past it?

The success of my last post absolutely floored me.  People have been texting and messaging me, commenting to me in person all amazing and positive things.  Saying I am brave and a survivor...  I don't know how to take that.  I don't know how to take a compliment.  I don't know what it is to have people give me positive feedback; whether it be a large scale or small scale, and to be honest it makes me feel uncomfortable as fuck.  At the same time, I thank you, and I am grateful.

When someone complements me I have no idea what to do with it.  I feel awkward and almost rude because I feel like most of the time I try to deflect it with a funny comment or almost disregard it completely.  Don't get me wrong, it is really kind, sweet and nice of people to say that to me, but I don't know how to absorb it.

I want great things for myself, in fact I know that I have a lot to offer not only to myself, family, community but I have something great to give to anyone I can reach.  I know I have potential and I want to harness it and project it out into the world and help as many people as I possibly can.  I just need to get past my fear of success and fucking do it.

When it comes to relationships it is the same thing.  I will never say that there are not any nice men out there.  I will never say that because I have met quite a few.  The thing is, I look for the men that I can fix.  That's what I am attracted to, the train wreck.  I have a hard time accepting the fact that I am worth more then that.  I am worth a nice man who will be all of those great things and more.  It makes me so uncomfortable because I FEEL like I'm not worth it when I KNOW that I am.  Clear as mud?  Good!

Self-reflection discovery has been my focus for the last year, and I am learning so much about myself.  Things I already knew and things I didn't.  Though at this point I feel like I am ready to tackle these fuckers and I want to know my worth.  I WANT TO KNOW MY WORTH!!!

I am amazing, a fucking unicorn.  I have my black belt in Tae Kwon Do, I'm a ringer in softball, I'm great at many sports, academics, listening, inspiring, loving, dreaming, being independent, rebuilding myself, I AM RESILIENT...  I am a great mom, friend and partner.  I believe in the best in people especially when they don't see it in themselves, but why can't I do that for myself?  Why do I know these things but refuse to acknowledge them?

Why can't I let myself be appreciated?

When I was about 4 years old, I remember my mom used to call me beautiful all the time.  Tell me what a beautiful girl I was, how proud she was of me, and that meant the world to me.  All I wanted was my mom to love me as much as I loved her!!  Then one day, my mom had a friend over and they were sitting in the kitchen drinking tea and chatting.  I ran up to my mom's friend and said, "I'm beautiful!!!" I looked at my mom and she had the biggest look of embarrassment on her face.  My heart literally sank into my stomach and I immediately felt like I did something horrible, but I wasn't sure why.  After my mom's friend left, my mom was cleaning up in the kitchen and I sat at the kitchen table and she said to me that she couldn't call beautiful anymore because I was letting it go to my head.  So she never did.  

From that day forward, I would hear praise of my accomplishments from my other's friend's, from what she had told them, instead of from my mom.  She wanted me to do well, but would never validate my success.

This, I think, started me mentally on my own struggle of self worth.  Then bring in puberty, peers, media, social media....  We are conditioned to feel as if we have no self worth, which is a harsh reality of society.  We believe it.  I did, and it's hard to break from that.  You are not self-absorbed, conceded, selfish or whatever if you love yourself and believe in yourself.  You and I are allowed to do that.  We are allowed to be proud of ourselves and build ourselves up and be successful, and do the same for others along the way.

So I am here to tell you today, you are good.  You have potential, everyday is a chance to make that potential become a reality.  You are you, and that is enough.  You are enough, and so am I.  So are our children, our friends, our family...  We need to fill each others' buckets, we need to be good to one another.

Go out today and tell someone something nice about themselves.  It could change nothing or everything, but just do it. I challenge you.

I want to thank you for your feedback, it was overwhelming but in a good way and I'm still not really sure how absorb it.  I'm making the conscious effort be successful, and to not let myself get in the way of myself because I deserve it, no matter how small or how big, and so do you.

Go be great today all of you, comment below with a quality you love about yourself.


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